Creamy Vs. Crunchy

[Editor's note; I didn't actually write this article, but since it is a spoof of me and the other guys I thought I would include it here. From Chimes Spoof issue, May 5, 2000. This article was originally on the Chimes website here http://www-stu.calvin.edu/chimes/spoof00/spoof00/opinions_04.html, but since it doesn't appear to be up anymore I've reproduced it]

Creamy Pea...Man, we're so wasted
By Joe Swakyman, Brian Spork, Shakalaka Boom-A, and Petey B.
Staff Loraxes

[See also, "Crunchy Vital to Defend Democracy by G. Gordon Limbaugh, Staff Grinch]

"There will be no peace until we 'smooth out the lumps' of discord"--Kofi Annan

Is it possible to dream? Maybe someday we will live in a world where certain segments of the rich multi-grain bread that is society won&t receive more peanut simply based on where they are located. Why should some receive whole peanuts when others receive less?

Maybe someday we will live in a safe society where we needn't fear choking hazards in every sandwich. It so happens that selling potentially lethal products (like cigarettes and crunchy peanut butter) is in the interests of the corporate oligarchy. But should we really put profits before people?

Man, we're so wasted....

Crunchy peanut butter is a symbol of the radical individualism that plagues our society. Some people think that they are autonomous, independent "peanuts" that don't need others to survive.

But they neglect that were it not for those who sacrificed themselves for the good of society, by being ground up to form the very "butter" that holds the rest of those "individuals" together, those individuals would be nothing more than a jar of peanuts.

One time, my jar of peanut butter started talking to me. It was totally tripped out.

In addition, crunchy peanut butter helps further the totalizing plans of the WTO and IMF, which seek to pacify the jaws of Third World workers by means of the extra work that mashing peanuts creates.

According to Institute for Global Re-education, chewing crunchy peanut butter costs each of us 15 percent more effort--effort that could be spent fighting capitalism.

The biggest problem with crunchy peanut butter, of course, stems from the fact that it is not easily fairly divided. Should we ever achieve the socialist state that we should all work toward, we need a peanut butter that can be easily and fairly divided into the 4 mg weekly rations that each person would receive. Obviously, one person shouldn't get a whole peanut, while another merely gets 4 mg of peanut butter. Not only would this be unfair, but if even a few got a whole peanut, the food distribution centers would quickly run out.

Dude, check out this flower. I understand this flower.

We are so gone, dude!

We need to support and back candidates who will set up a peanut-mashing commune in every town, so that all our peanut butter may express the equality for which we all hope.

I'm so hungry. Man, pass the Doritos.

Pink Floyd Rules!